Posted by: bellebelle | June 27, 2006

a Different Breakthrough

Sunday morning I cried so much in church, that I’ve got myself ended up with a lil feverish. No, I hadn’t gone through super hard times, neither did I get scolded or someone passed away *touch wood*. I cried, because I’ve witness the power of God. The entire church witnessed Sonia’s baptism through video. Never had I met Sonia personally, but deep in my heart, I was so encouraged to see God working in her. How eagerly she seeks for Him. I see her will to establish this relationship with God, her eagerness to make changes just wanting to go to heaven.

What moved me to tears wasn’t so. But to witness the parents rejoicing for her new born, I poured. Karen talked from her pregnancy to her upbringing days to the period Sonia decided to follow God. Couldn’t stop crying when John Louis shared about this bedtime storybook they had when Sonia was a young child.

How I wished my parents would be rejoiced to see me change, have I not done enough to make them proud? I always looked good, is that the reason that made them worried less upon me? What am I expecting? In one hand, I don’t want them to get worried. On the other hand, I want attention from them. So confused.

Have they ever talked about me so proud that they felt like crying? Ever have the eagerness to just share to the entire world when I had my 1st teeth grown? How do they feel when I first learned my ABCs and 123? Would they stay overnight with me when I’m on the hospital bed? Would they cry when I’m in my coat and hat during my convocation? When will we have the opportunity to take a nice family photo? How would they respond when they see me in my wedding gown?

I’ve tried so many ways to attract their attentions. Since a child, I’m very outspoken. Get good academic results to make them proud. After the divorce, I’ve tried so much to assure them I’m doing good, just to let them know they have a good daughter. I got involved in many many many co-curriculum activities, taken up leadership skills, do psychology, self-learned HTML, flash, graphic designing… I brought my friends home, make sure I call my dad whenever I’m stepping out from the house, just to let them know I’ll be alright. I talked to them, they said they’ll prefer me not to have a relationship while I pursue my studies, so I did not start any. Even when I can’t start having a boyfriend, I make sure daddy meets him. When I’m sick, I make sure I don’t look too bad, so they could get less worried upon me.

I don’t have the most awesome parents in the world, but neither did I needed that. One thing for sure, I knew they are important gifts from God. Having the opportunity to be their child, to share the DNA knot, having the same bloodline, physical appearances etc.. All these makes me grateful.

Back to the crying part. I myself am not too expressive, shy at times, obedient. I’m never a perfect child, definitely I have wild thoughts and wants to do things ‘my way’. This year itself, I took the courage to ring my parents on Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, to tell them “I love you”. They’re not very responsive, but it’s alright, it takes time. I know sooner or later, I will hear them convey the same words to me.

I stepped into maturity earlier than any other child in my class, that doesn’t make me better than they are. How I wish I could just loose that maturity and run and cry to my parents at anytime. Me too, wanted so much to be pampered by my parents. I want homecooked food from mummy. I want butterfly kisses from daddy. I want to just hold them tight when I felt cold. However, I knew all these were given to me for a reason, and I live for a purpose.

I’m certain, if I were not involved in such situation, I will not be the Gabrielle as what you see today. I wouldn’t be grateful for God, I wouldn’t even care to love my parents. I might just take my drinking ability for granted and hangout in pubs and night clubs. I would have tatooed my neck, hips, ankle. I would have so many relationships that I can loose count, go on and on hurting those who loved me dearly. I would not have the dreams for dating, marriage and having children, I would not have dreams for my future as well.

Pathetic.

All I can do now, is to give it up for God to plan. I know my parents wouldn’t have the chance to form our family again, because if they does, little Ke Xin would have loose her family. But I have dreams to see them in the kingdom of God. Because in heaven, we live having a relationship with God, there wouldn’t be suffering, cries, fear, death. In heaven, you and I are the same.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. copy & pasted from MSN today.. hehehe~

    [^B|ade^] just read ur blog..
    [^B|ade^] /sayang
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 :D
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 i’m fine
    [^B|ade^] i know.. still.. just want to let u know..
    [^B|ade^] i am very proud of u.. even though u always look good or cool outside..
    [^B|ade^]but i know inside u have a precious jewel of God..
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 haha write that as a comment
    [^B|ade^] adoiii
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 hehe
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 thank you!
    [^B|ade^] hmm….. seems to be a lot of wishing ha..
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 haha
    [^B|ade^] butterfly kisses again.. hehehehe.. i demostrate this kiss to Eka.. and she goes.. HAA??
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 whoa, you did ah
    [^B|ade^]yeah.. as though my eyes going to fly like that..
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 hahahaa
    [^B|ade^] then Eka goes.. ” GILA.. ”
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 HAHAHAHA!
    [^B|ade^] hhaaaiiii
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 close to head? or from far?
    [^B|ade^]far la
    [^B|ade^] close cannot lah.. nanti kena slap
    gabrielle ~ 慧敏 haha no wonder la
    [^B|ade^] hahahahahaha

  2. *sweat*

    oh yeah, forgot something important too. when i was crying ah, my heart was in fact rejoiced and at the same time overwhelmed.

    rejoiced as in.. i finally cried! Eka also said “Gabbie finally cried!! First time seeing her cry.”

    overwhelmed as in.. God did so many things for us to have a relationship with him, but at times i can take it so easily, should have really immitate Sonia’s young heart, to FEAR God.

    another thing, is that i knew baptism isn’t a simple decision, for us to gain free salvation, someone needs to sacrifice for it. clearly i know there’s nothing FREE in this world, even when we get a relationship with God, it costs Jesus to die on the cross.

    so much i wanted to let my parents see changes in me after i became a christian. so much i fear that mine and their sins will be a super big stumbling block. so much i know about them in person, so much i feel like i want to see them change and walk the path in the kingdom with me. there’s so many “so much”, really gotta keep praying for it to come true, to the extend that i cannot comprehend God’s grace. owh, i love y’all, i love them & most importantly, i love God.

  3. I love you too :)

  4. hey sweetie, happy birthday!! *huggles*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: