Posted by: bellebelle | July 16, 2006

Insomnia

          I watched the clock, for nearly 2 hours, I rolled on my bed, just trying so hard to get into dreamland, once again.

          I couldn’t think properly. I thought I could get a webbie set up, or maybe some assignments done, or hanging over a cup of Caramel Macchiato, or complete some random blog drafts, or run to the basketball court, I just couldn’t think properly.

          I remembered I threw myself to bed after shower. The moment I’m awakened, I checked the clock, it indicates some time past 2am. I never liked dreaming. Everynight, I go to bed wishing I don’t dream. After rolling and forcing myself for 2 hours, I just couldn’t bring myself to dream. Now, I just couldn’t dream properly.

          I ran out from my room. Running away from everything that smells like a dream. Couldn’t sleep; I ran out, avoiding the complex thinking.

          I’m in love with the rythm of one particular song. Catchy, sing-a-long type of song. Especially when it’s piano pop. I don’t feel like sharing. One particular reason, the song has a set of sensitive lyrics, especially the strong words they unintentionally emphasized.

          All of a sudden, I didn’t wanna listen. I’m on WinAmp, I don’t wanna listen. I wanna sing. Sing so comfortably that I could bring myself to bed, so comfortably that you would just come to join my lullaby, so I could sleep properly.

          I’m on MSN messenger, I don’t wanna chat. I wanna pray. Pray to God so loudly that he could see his little girl struggling to sleep, so loudly that He could grant me peace, so I could sleep properly.

          I’m a little used to wandering outside the rain.

          But I don’t know enough, I need sun when it leaves the day.

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Responses

  1. I’m not sure where to start to comment on, but I think i’ll probably leave my thoughts on what you think and how i responds to it naturally. You might or might not know who is me but it doesn’t matter :)

    Life’s funny and unpredictable when getting yourself up into the life as a student inside toa, i can say, something that i never could have imagined i can reach back at the day i’m still a student, in secondary school as a dropouts. I’ve since then met with a lot of different people, different attitude and way of talking, backstabbing and working. But well, I’ve gone through like a hell of a darkest day in my life especially during the first year, where I had no foking idea on how and what to do with drawing, with the plus being a science student that doesn’t even excel in his study during secondary school.

    I struggled, and struggled a lot. Never had a chance to taste but to envy those in front, left, back, right of me, or friend that gets higher or better grade in figure drawing, but somehow it’s not that the grade that matters to me, i realized that i wanted to be better for the sake of learning, call me naive, and i was so sad, even struggling every week for more than 8 hours per 1 figure drawing (6 per week last time lol), i still couldn’t get the basics right, i’ve thought to give up…i’ve even hated myself and my hand, felt like chopping it. The extreme thoughts and very unmotivational thing came out of nowhere and talked to me a lot of time, countlessly have not only 1, 2 but more than times to give up. tell you, i never felt the urge or the motivation until there are time that i was being awaken by the lecturers, tutors i suppose, where i don’t think you’ll recognize except one of them are sioyean, which countlessly giving me chance, though poor and stucked at C– or C+ at times, nevermind always being the unpopular one in the class and the last to be critique, I guess I have one strong mind in my brain, “to be better and learn to be better”…

    Soon not long after that, i mean, i never believe myself but the magic phrase really worked on me, “where hardworks there’s miracle”…but of course that’s what I believe, and then I get my first B–, well, I’m not sure how this gonna help, but I hope that you’ll get through it, in the right way,

    Somehow, i really realized studying in life, especially probably inside the college, or anywhere, is really about doing what you like best and doing the best in what you like. Didn’t get it? Did I mention that I was the unpopular and the very behind-back-seat type of person all the while, which seemed to change when I joined into major, where I don’t think and never understand why people keep to see me as a special species in one kind? I previously had an interest in computer that made me get very used to the environment and learnt quicker than my other classmates, and suddenly everyone start to look at you differently. I mean, it doesn’t matter because I’m now really doing what i finally understand best, not that i doesn’t like drawing, but it’s something that i feel i can excel in.

    i guess one of the ‘feel’ that you have that affirms you to be sure that you ‘like’ that certain subject is really important. I never believe there’s failure between people nor talent, what it takes is to learn, if you’re not good, just start from scratch, and you know who are the one that really made my life back then? ZeLin was the person back then he was a tutor for my marker visual class, which i’m seriously poor up to a level i could cry out loud and burn away all my layout pads, i tried, and tried but got to nowhere to prove my effort are real except being always perceived as “omg, you’re such a lazy rush-project kid”, that of course really a turning down point in my life, really bad at that time but i had no idea why i continue and then hmm..my first b–, instant grafitication to move on.

    But really, i guess it’s best when you knew people through college and have them by your sides when you’re really gone (mentally) downward. Sleeping at 4 waking at 5 was like a routine back then lol. And sometimes I couldn’t agree less when if you hate to be in a group when everyone seems missing or if it’s the time to get things done, but there are really sweet times that you’ll go through the night and morning together.

    I really had no idea what i’m really typing at this moment, but really, if you’re going through this painfully, I guess it’s safe to say i’m glad, you know you want to be a better person and improve, no worries, ‘di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan’

    Sekian, Terima Kasih,
    Salutes,
    ManMeng

  2. dear Man Meng,
    i’m really surprised to see your name in my comment box.

    i can relate to you so so much about the first ‘B-‘. i’ve flown away when i 1st saw mine, is just like an athlete having a chance to break world record on the running track & olympic theme song pops in, a slight taste of heaven.

    but sometimes, discourages me, because B- is never enough for people in the world.

    Ze Lin also helped me a lot, we had a talk last thursday & got me thinking a lot. i hadn’t get the time to post as a blog. many lecturers and tutors i have to send my gratitude as well, i’m really thankful for their patience and constant help & guidance, also, speaking the truth to me.

    perhaps one day when i get to pick up, i’ll send you a lil box of spaghetti, to remind you that you once did the 9 paragraphs 871 words comment, and how grateful i am for those words.

    Man Meng, you have no idea what you’ve typed but that made me cry, big time. you must have read many posts in this blog in order to compose this reply; at the same time, cracking your head to fix the picture missing problem, you must be very tired. *sayang* although we have not met in person, but that’s really sweet of you for dropping by to my humble lil blog, which might seem so insignificant for many.

    something that yet to be blog-ed.. i’m currently facing family financial break down. our business account is down to 2 digits. if situation go worst, i might have to stop college for a while, for good.

    but i’ve decided to let God take over. i’ve stressed enough. all i need to do now, is to help my dad as much as i could, mentally support him as well. he said “I’m exhausted”, he seemed to have nobody to support him. i know he is exhausted, i knew he is. it hurts so so much to see my dearest one being in such pain.

    but however, i know i will get through it. i can change and feel alright, i definitely can. :D

    am praying for good health & more patience from lecturers, hope they won’t get blown away of my slow progression. i know i’m running slow. but one thing i really care, i’m still running.

    love much,
    gabrielle.

  3. amen Ebi. keep running :D don’t give up. God will see you through :D

  4. *hug hug sushi*

    one thing for sure, when i’m emotionally down, i can refer to all these replies on my blog, all the message history on MSN/googletalk/ICQ, all the postcards and letters, all the SMS. thank God for all of you.

    sushi cook macaroni fabulously nice!! let you know again, it’s very sweet of you to wake up early in the morning to prepare macaroni. i felt so loved when i received your sms saying you’ll prepare breakfast for me. and i’m sure other bro & sis felt encouraged as well! is really really really the heart that counts~


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