Posted by: bellebelle | July 29, 2006

Because of You

失忆般,我的童年是空白的。从懂事开始,我不容许自己犯你曾经犯的错。像你那迷茫的人生,我向来都不渴望。你重重地摔伤了自己,我的誓言陈述着…失败是不能被容许的。

选择靠边走,并不是因为那样比较安全、不是因为你教会我安全意识,单纯只是…过分的自我保护。渐渐的,我选择强硬化我那棵年幼的心。减轻冒险的机率,就不会摔的那么疼。

我做事向来努力,盼望不会重蹈复侧。努力,包括努力的拨开那吓人的回忆。强硬化的心,不懂得相信任何人。只是,我的心不会被摔的破碎。因为它向来都不是完整的。好害怕你那变化无常的性格。你就好比同一屋檐下的计时炸弹。只是,我不晓得几时会爆发。我不哭。只因为我懂,那么做…代表示弱。

我只能把自己深琐在房间,躲进被窝里哭。只有在那里,我可以找到私人空间。你那自私的心,只懂得自己的喜怒哀乐。你那自私的心,从来都不晓得为他人着想。

Sometimes you made me ponder, about the blank pages in my childhood. Eversince I can think on my own, I’d never allow myself to make the same mistakes that you did. Your life is always miserable because of that silly addiction. I never, never want myself to be like you. Because again and again, you fell, hurting yourself and everyone around you. I remember myself swearing.. swearing not to follow your footsteps.

I learn to walk on the safe side isn’t because you have taught me so. Simply because I’m being overprotective. I’ve chose to harden my young heart, to lower down the risk of getting hurt, again. So when I fail, it wouldn’t be as painful.

I try my hardest to not repeat whatever you’ve done. I tried so hard, that includes washing away all the bitter memories. The hardened heart of mine, doesn’t trust. My heart can’t possibly break, when it wasn’t even whole to start with. Because of you, I am afraid. I am afraid of your bad attitudes. Living under the same roof with you, is like cuddling a timed bomb. Not knowing when will it start counting down and explode. I was frightened, I never knew when will it blast, but it’s already blasting my mind off reality. I am afraid but I cannot cry, because I know that’s weakness in your eyes.

All I can do, is to slam the door and lock myself down in the room, hide in a corner and cry. I can find some personal space, only in the little room. You are so selfish, you would only care about your own pleasures and emotions. So selfish, never know how to care for others.

— — —

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

[Chorus]

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

[Chorus]

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

— — —

“Because Of You”: written by Clarkson, Ben Moody, & David Hodges.

“‘Because Of You’ isn’t about breakups, it’s about my family. It is about growing up in a broken home. My parents were together for 17 years or so, and then all of the sudden, something went wrong.

But I’ve talked to lots of friends who have seen domestic violence in their homes; I didn’t. But if you see those things as a child, you see a family member cheating or people not trusting each other or people not communicating with each other, that effects you. You end up afraid to trust people, because you think you’re going to get screwed over.

Me and a friend of mine were up late one night talking about our lives, and it led to this song. I wrote it when I was 16, my friend was having a really hard time with her family. It was a different situation than mine, but I could relate to what she was going through. My parents were together for a long time, and suddenly one thing happens, and it’s over.

That could happen to me. It made me feel like, why would I want to open up and trust someone? I know that it’s a childish way to look at it; life is a risk, and anything worth having is worth taking a risk for, but I wrote it when I was 16. I have learned a lot since then. At the same time, it doesn’t matter how old you are, you can still relate.

I was 6 when my parents got divorced. I used to be the most closed off person. I didn’t want to get hurt. I had been messed over by friends, and I had been through a lot with my family. I didn’t pity myself, but I did put a wall up.

I’m smarter now, but I have a good relationship with God, and that’s gotten better over the years. That’s why I’ve gotten smarter about situations. I’m a very trusting person now. I’m not going to let people screw me over left and right, but at the same time I’m not going to close myself off. That’s a big step for me.

adapted from SheKnows.

— — —

What I’ve written, has nothing to do with my parents’ divorce. But the song lyrics punched through my heart so heavily. The description or… definition that Clarkson has made.. makes me ponder so so much. I feel it in another way.. domestic violence, loosing trust to each other, lack of communication et cetera.

Facing such a situation.. I end up getting my heart hardened. For so many years, I am never expressive towards my own feelings. Which made me so numb. I know how to care, but never know too much.. on how to accept. That affects me so so much, because, I learn to walk on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. I became over-protective towards myself and those who have gotten hurt, those whom I love so, so much.

If I’m not the one to be there to care, there wouldn’t be much grace. To many people that is hard to be forgiven or to those whom I dislike or afraid of, I still forgive and care. So I thought, the only thing I need to do is just to care. I need not to open my heart to trust on everything someone said. Although I really love to do so, be like a child which is so innocent. But I don’t want to be like a child, they are just.. so fragile.

I don’t want to make the same mistake as he did. I was brought up in a hard way, because of him, I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I am ashamed of my life because it’s empty.

I didn’t pity myself, but I did put a wall up. I am frightened. I am afraid of brutal behaviors. Loud screams, punching on the wall, domestic door knocking, frightens me off. I will not know how to react, and will frown and cover up my ears, and hide in one corner. That’s the outcome of being overprotective, which I really need to leap the big step, to get myself out from this cage of fear.

I never trust too much. I thought the only one I can trust is myself. Till the day I come to discover God. It was a few years ago. Back then, I didn’t understand much about the Bible. The eager of wanting to know more, made me step into a Christian bookstore. I browsed through many books, which written so so much about God’s grace and miracles. Out of the blank columns in my childhood, I’m trying to seek for.. something. Maybe the thing I was searching for so many years, is the miracle, the miracle which can change everything in my life, which can bring me pure joy, which can motivate me to.. love again.

Until the day I decide to study the Bible. Along the way.. I was very confused, and refused to have a relationship with God. Because I still think that I can only trust on myself, I can never put God first in my life. But the friendship in church moved me, and incredibly, I realized all these could be made, just by God. Only the trust in Him can bring together such a lovely community, a FAMILY I should say.

God’s definition of forgiveness is far different from mine. I forgive because I don’t want to keep all the hatred and bitter in my heart; I forgive because I thought I’m the only one whom can provide such grace to the person I dislike. Whereas, God’s forgiveness is filled with plenty of love, it’s beyond forgiveness. Because of God, I learned that it is possible to forgive the unforgivable by remembering that the people who are hurting me, do not know what they are doing. If it’s really so hard to forgive, it is still possible, just by remembering that Jesus forgave me when I was unforgivable.

Today, I’m putting all my trust to God. Although I’m still on the way, learning to leap the big step, although I still have my fears and phobias to overcome, I know the person I can lean my trust on.. is definitely God. He promised me the things whom I myself can’t comprehend.

I’m a very trusting person now and I’m not going to close myself off. Dear friends, the thing I need you to know, now I care and I’ve learned to accept and love.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. GAMBATEH~!

  2. Hm…Trully your Almighty God does understand how you felt.

    It matters not how the emotion goes. It matters most how you handle it while you live as not your own but of one of our father in heaven.

    Great blogging sis. Remember we’ll always be there for you in the Kingdom.

    Love you!

  3. Danson >> Watashi Gambate-ing!!

    Evelyn >> it’s great to know.. in God’s kingdom, i’m enabled to be dependable towards God’s power. love you too~


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: