Posted by: bellebelle | January 11, 2007

Rest

i often felt restless, ever since God knows when. but yet, i am often encouraged, simply because God listenes, & He’s working in my life. one way of getting God involved in my life, is to keep praying. i’d have to agree with Vincent… praying, by itself, it’s a battle. it’s really the hardest thing to do for a Christian… doing it consistently, doing it regularly, doing it personally.


this is what i always do in the middle of the night. yeah, with the lights on.

so as today, i knew it isn’t good to misuse electicity. around 2am, i forced myself to wake up & walked to the switches to get my lights dimmed. when i tried to lie down in a proper manner… horror, my brain started running all the datas, so clearly i couldn’t sleep. i prayed & wished that God will take away my restlessness, so i could close my eyes & get into dreamland. and as i’ve said from the beginning of this entry… i am encouraged by God, because he listenes, again. today i woke up & found dad to be no where. have he set off abroad? i knew his flight is scheduled on 12:30pm & i need to assist him in some certain areas, when he’s away.

2 days ago, i prayed… hoping God would hear me, hoping the tears would drop. all the more i force myself, all the more i’m conscious… to. not. cry.

not long after that, i cried recklessly. for the 1st time in my entire life… i cried nonstop. i recalled many many many buried memories. so much for being independant all the time… i came to realize, i am really vulnerable & started to feel the pain for self-denying too much in the past. am i bitter? i questioned myself.

i never cried like this, to the point i tried so so hard to stop myself from doing it. i felt uneasy & my hands began to numb, i don’t feel like myself. tears flow as if they were never released. to cry like this, it has always been a dream. i thought this would happen, only for others, not me. deep in my heart i felt, i am never allowed to cry like this.

as i cried alone, i wish dad would come home.

not long after that, i heard the familiar sounds. the way the person parks his car, the way the person unchain the locks, the way the person open the gates, that all sounded familiar. i know, God answered my prayers, AGAIN. reflex systemically, i tried to stop myself from crying. after some thoughts, i stood up & walked close him. he heard me sob, i finally cried in his arms. the little gestures, the pat on my shoulder, the hug he gave me… & for him to tell me “不要哭,有什么事爸爸帮你解决“. i never experienced these.

Hillsong – So You Would Come

before the world began
you were on His mind
and every tear you cry
is precious in His eyes
because of His great love
He gave His only son
and everything was done
so you would come

nothing you can do
to make Him love you more
and nothing that you’ve done
could make Him close the door
because of His great love
He gave His only son
and everything was done
so you would come

come to the Father
though your gift is small
broken hearts
broken lives
He will take them all

the power of the word
the power of His blood
everything was done
so you would come

AGAIN, as i’m typing… God listened, & dad came home. before he halt a cab, he called me to the gates & gave me a goodbye kiss.

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