Posted by: bellebelle | July 4, 2007

God is My Strength

we often choose quantity over quality. because we knew… as long as it comes from mankind, quality of whatever property/relationship changes as time goes by, it will never last as assuring as the moment you first own it.

well even if it’s the other way round, more or less it sums up the same. for goodness sake, face it… because when you get quality, you greed for quantity.

i had a crush a few years ago. all i needed, is time to see him & make sure he’s alright. whenever he rings up, i make sure i’d turn up for him. as silly as the most of the teenage high-schooler, i’d think… “yes, he’s the one!” at some point of your life, you’d think about Mr. Right, and i just hoped he’s the one.

by then, it’s because of my parents’ divorce, i grasp the idea of “happily-ever-after only appear in fairy tales.”

and so, i chickened out. when he held my hand, i felt insecure & he sensed so. deep in my heart, i knew he felt rejected; i did no further explanations. and in the end, he let go. some time later, we became good friends & always have never ending talks. alto he hurt me at times with his blunt words, but i knew my heart is sufficient to love him enough as a friend should be; because God taught me so.

but now, it’s because of my heavenly father’s sacrifice, i grasp the idea of “happily-ever-after ain’t exactly impossible.”

the fact is… you & i can’t see God. yet i could feel so secured, it’s definitely my privilege. the way to maintain such security, is to keep walking my journey of faith.

1 John 4:7-21

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.
15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.
16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us.
20 If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
21 And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

*********

an update about my family & i.

my cute brother | my handsome dad
my camera-shy mom | i’m always on the right

last weekend was filled with emotional whirlpools.

my dad came home with the offer letter for National Service. apparently he volunteered my brother. and since last year, i knew my brother was reluctant to go. the both of them sat down but only my dad did the talking. all my brother said was, “i don’t want to go.”

i wasn’t included in the talk, but i sat nearby. as the atmosphere becomes so much intense, my tears rolled down. i knew exactly how disappointed my dad could be, i knew exactly how my brother could feel, i knew exactly what contributed to such intensity.

the hardest to accept was the time when dad said to Yang, if he insist not going, he will have to make a police report. the content should be Yang reporting the miscommunication between the Father and Son, and report that it wasn’t his personal will to attend the boot camp. after the-no-conclusion talk, dad came to me & asked with the most loving way, “hey, what’s wrong?” i shook my head so hardly, i said “nope.”

then i had dinner with dad… he expressed so much about how he wish Yang would go for the 3-months boot camp. after dinner, he resumed working. i thought i’d get some time to talk to my bro, as we’re left alone at home. i really wished he would too, express how he felt. but there’s no respond from him. and i was too coward to even give him some words of assurance. i called a few dear friends of mine, and sought for ‘solutions’; actually all i needed was a lot of support, so i could accumulate guts to confront the 2 man.

before i sleep, i asked Yang, “so what time should we be heading to the police station?” we paused for a while & agreed, 4pm. my heart was heavy & so i sent SMS for prayer request.

early in the morning, before my dad & bro arises from bed… i read some text messages between my bro & his friends. among his friends, i knew a few of them; so they’ve shown concern as well, then we talked. from their online conversations, i sensed a lot of bitterness laid deep in my bro’s heart. all the more i read the sentences he typed, all the more my tears dropped. i felt so hurt when i discovered his insecurities toward the family. shouldn’t we be the dearest people for one another? there’s so much communication needed to be done among the family, there’s so much misunderstandings to be resolved.

i felt weary but i knew i could not have given up. and so i took the time to dial another few calls, hoping i could seek as much advices from different individuals that have been involving in me & my bro’s life. among all the people, i couldn’t get through my mom’s cellphone, so i sent texts to her…

“Morning. Mommy could you call? i have some important issues to talk about. Love you.” i took a deep breath before sending the sms; i was afraid this would freak her out… she has never talked deep or deal serious problem with us, in my entire life. i didn’t know if she could take this, but anyway, i sent the sms. i knew, if she couldn’t take it, i’d be there to comfort her.

then, i went for breakfast with dad. mom called as i have my hot Milo & nasi lemak kurang pedas. i told her what happened & requested her to have a talk with Yang. to my surprise… she humbly asked me how could she go about talking to my bro. then she patiently listened to me and replied, “alright, i’ll call him.”

i came home from breakfast and found my brother still sleeping. i went online & started my confessions, “yes, i was really worried.” as i was working on the computer, my dad came near the phone & he dialed the numbers on my brother’s offer letter. before he make the call, he considerably closes the door to my brother’s room, so he could not overhear the conversations. dad called the officer and humbly explained. as they talked, i was afraid this would end up as a court case. eventually, the officer said he could cancel the application if it’s not Yang’s decision to go.

i had a shock of my life when later in the afternoon, my mom brought me out for lunch. it was the place when i had good grades, she once brought me there. a place to reminisce. she ordered my favourite dish, and my heartbeat pumps fast. i didn’t know where to start. until she ask questions that implied her helplessness, i opened up. i told her everything from top to toe, and she gradually understands my brother. at the same time, i do what a daughter does best… i talked. i asked her how’s everyone at her side & updated her about my life & assured her i am well taken care of.

and i saw tears in her eyes. i didn’t rubbed them off, i seriously hope they would fall. for me, for Yang… specially for my mommy’s children.

before she sends me home, she said all these…
“i will bring Yang out for a talk.”
“if anything happened, you can call me.”
“i knew you have a busy schedule, but when you’re free, we can always come out for lunch.”
she repeated these sentences, to the point they were all engraved in my mind.

i bet it took a lot of courage for her to say these words, and i really love them.
i really, really, really felt so, so, so encouraged.
God brought her back to me.
before i got out from the car, we took the above 2 photos.
i said “hug hug”, and we hugged.

as i await Yang to be home by 4pm, i fell asleep. he woke me up around 4.30pm, and so i drove him out. nobody told him bout the call in the morning, so he struggled throughout the ride. he was cool & didn’t talk. i’m not sure if he’s frightened, or is he bitter? to the point he didn’t want to talk to me…

i passed by the police station & halted my car opposite a shopping mart. Yang asked, “you wanna get some groceries?” i said no, fix my parking ticket, we’re going in.

we sat down in Secret Recipe, placed our orders and i began asking, “so what do you plan to say if we’re going to the police?” he looked a little surprised but he did not answer my question. “so, you were waiting for sis to lodge the report for you?” again, no response, but this time, he looked at me. “if it only requires me to do all the talking, why should i bring you there?” he shun from looking into my eyes. “so, tell me, why were you reluctant?” without answering, he made me felt like i forced him to have a drink with me.

“i understand how you might felt about this sudden arrangement, and i knew you have your own set of worries and thoughts. but these are all my personal ideas, if you don’t open up to me, i’d never knew what’s running in your mind… we, the family will never know what you really wanted & needed.”

and finally, he started talking.

throughout our talk, i get to listen to his personal thoughts and ideas and struggles and bitterness and complaints and hurts. all the while i knew what’s happening & what he might be thinking, but i just needed him to PERSONALLY talk to me about it… so i could at least clear his misunderstandings towards certain issues.

after a long hour of sister-ask-brother-answer session, i try my best to give him assurance… as in “the family doesn’t despise your character & plans & thoughts”, “i want to listen from you, that’s why we’re here”, “you’re important to us, therefore we were worried, and i knew some of us has crossed boundaries & you didn’t liked it”… et cetera et cetera.

“so we conclude this happy ending?”

“how do you feel about the talk we had?” i asked.
“it’s a little like counseling.” he replied.
“you think i’d do this to anyone?”
“yeah.”
“why would you think so? is it because your sister is such a busybody to just wanna know bout everything? or do you think i just want to sit here and settle the crap?”
“… …”
“do you think it’s because i cared and concerned about you?”
“yes, is concern.”

as we got home, he happily announced to his friends he needn’t to serve national service. his friend replied, “wow… your sis very powerful ar”

i almost spill blood after so much intense talk with my dad, mom & bro.

my dream, is to have a family portrait taken with the 3 of them, with the least feeling of awkward.

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Responses

  1. heya,

    I actually read through of all that – felt like I was intruding your personal space a bit. I hope things work out for you and your family.

    All the best

  2. hey petit sis,

    bon pour vous voir remplir votre blog encore. il est bon de voir comment vous aimez vos membres de famille. maintenez le bon travail.

    p.s/

    vous ne devriez pas lire l’autre people’s SMS sans leur connaissance. did you :)

    He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother by The Hollies

    The road is long
    With many a winding turn
    That leads us to who knows where
    Who knows where

    But I’m strong
    Strong enough to carry him
    He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

    So on we go
    His welfare is of my concern
    No burden is he, to bear
    We’ll get there
    For I know
    He would not encumber me
    He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

    If I’m laden at all
    I’m laden with sadness
    That everyone’s heart
    Isn’t filled with the gladness
    Of love for one another

    It’s a long, long road
    From which there is no return
    While we’re on our way to there
    Why not share

    And the load
    Doesn’t weigh me down at all
    He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother
    He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

  3. caleb >> hey there, i don’t mind you reading. after all, that’s the point for me to put this up. :)

    sleepin dragon >> no, i did not read his SMSes. i talked to a few of his friends and read some text from his chatroom. i wouldn’t have known how to love these 2 man, if it weren’t for God who taught me so.

    thanks for the song, it was in my harddisk for quite some time, but it wasn’t the tune i’d like. and besides, i knew i’m not strong enough to carry him, though i know i don’t mind & he’s definitely not a burden of mine.

    why were you not sleeping at that hour?

  4. It made me laughed reading your last sentence that you said you almost spilled blood. :)
    But really proud of you doing that to your family. You did just fine. If I were you, I am not sure I got the courage to do that for my family. They sure love you lot. :)

  5. thanks for reading the entire thing, i knew it’s really a long-winded blogpost… but i wanted to keep them in record, so i could read when my faith grows weary.

    i knew they do love me.

    and i am so afraid i will loose them in a snap of fingers.

    coward me is not courageous, it’s only God whom made it possible.


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