Posted by: bellebelle | September 10, 2007

亲爱的,对不起。

早上那篇,是写给自己和当事人的。现在这篇,是写给我周遭的友人。

before i pen down anything, i’d love to start with my apology. sincerely, i am sorry about what happened yesterday.

early in the day, i tried preparing myself, to not be distracted by any sort of worries. my head were heavy because i did not get enough sleep for 2 nights. it’s gonna be another long day, i’m afraid i will doze.

the song leaders eased my tension. with Chung Yi and Su Yin singing so gracefully, with the passion from Je Wei and Sam, with smiles from Mike, Grace, Alex and Michelle. it was also enjoyable to have Jenny by my side, giggling over little happenings. i was happy for the fact that my sore throat had gone so much better, i don’t sound like a donkey anymore. i also love the moments i closed my eyes to listen to the congregation, singing and worshiping God alone.

communion sharing was about relationship of a Colonel and his son. the father-and-son thing, never fail to move me to tears. remembering team Hoyt, remembering Hannah and father, remembering father, son and baseball, remembering Uncle Ong and Whye Leng… most of all, remembering our Heavenly Father and His Son nailed to the cross.

after Burt’s lesson on Spiritual Stability. i did the cleaning and helped a little for the Campus Camp counter. then it happened, the unpleasant moment.

the moment i hung the call, i felt the joyful me running away from me. it was so overwhelming, i didn’t know what to say in response. i held back and didn’t wish to cry in front of so many people. people that i love dearly, i knew they will not know the right words to say, but they always know the right thing to do.

i really loathe crying like that. i can get so consumed in my feelings and become so focused in thoughts. i really wished i could have withdrawn from the crowd, and release the tears. it was only by then, i realized how selfish i could be, to want to runaway.

Corrinne was with me, when i failed to withdraw from the crowd. she said the things that i have already known, but perhaps, i didn’t want to acknowledge or simply, accept the fact. i was so quite, i didn’t know what i could have said. i felt so spacey, i asked myself again and again “answer her what happened, how do you feel dearie?” but my mind went blank.

i regretted i didn’t resort to pray in the first place. i tried holding my emotions. but every time i talk about the issue, i can’t continue but cry. i am not even clear about the reasons i cry. it was until i talked to the sisters in my core group, and when i received the apology sms, i stopped being so emotional.

to some people, i did not responded, that doesn’t mean i care less about any of you. i wanted immediately to make the call, to run to some of you, to hug, or to even just cry out loud. but eventually, i held back and did not do what i wanted to do.

when i finally made the decision to let go and let God, i felt so much better. i knew there are situations that couldn’t be controlled and i just have to learn to be surrendered that i am so weak and small in wanting to change a person, or even, changing myself.

i am so sorry, i hurt some of you. as i reflect, only i realized there would be people who would freak out when i cry. and to the sms and concerns from many of you, i felt really encouraged. for the first time in my entire life, i felt loved in such a way. i am also sorry, i am not able to respond to the most of you.

i was feeling a little unwell. but right now, i am all right.

i love you not for what you do, i love you for what you are.

next time when i cry, i just need a hug. i love y’all.

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Responses

  1. it’s alright, dearie :)

  2. … and i’m glad that you manage to pull through :)

  3. daniel >> thank you for listening even before it happened.


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