Posted by: bellebelle | December 22, 2008

Manja

i found an unpublished September article. it goes like this…

“a day with a crazy load of heart-attacks.

it’s either i was spacey, or the opposition were careless… accident comes one after another.

i almost got myself run over by a motorcycle. i was pretty sure i checked both sides when i attempt to cross the road. as i was crossing, i got distracted by some catchy t-shirt designs, hence i slow down my steps without noticing the fast approaching bike. the cyclist braked and scolded me at the top of his lungs. it was as though everybody on the street stared at our direction.

it is at such times, the manja-ness bursts out. i have to repeatly tell myself, “it’s okay, smile.”

as for now, i came back to my blog. i didn’t want to write, because i am tired  of constraining my words because i wanna “protect” my readers.

so for the period of time that i have gone Missing In Action, i was writing for myself to read. on my own, in my own space, i composed many rhythms of emotions & feelings which are lack of understanding, and i realized i am so used to throw them aside after doing the composition. i keep only the happy ones and swept all the rest to allow them cramp under my bed.

the unhappiness, i did not really resolve them. the only thing i did is… i tuck them aside, thinking… i’m doing just fine. just like my unpublished article, i always say to myself, “it’s okay, smile.

i did that quite a lot the past week. and now i just can’t keep them to myself, i decide to let it out & let go of it. don’t mind my language, i am just throwing out the rubbish from my heart, so i could let go of whatever useless burdens. and i warn you, it’s gonna be selfish & it will cause hurt to those who unconditionally loves me.

i just need you to know, i am who i am.

i am fragile.

it was an eventful week for me.  no, i rephrase. it was a hell of a week for me.

it was like hell, because i went through torment by beginning the week with negative feelings like i have nothing more to loose. i lost my faith, i lost my promises, i lost even trusts on my beloved & myself.

and when it is revealed, i made Seh Yen cursed the devil.

the moment she said that, i looked at her can’t help but giggled, with mixtures of tears and snot. deep in my heart, i understood she’s serious. because her love for me is just that serious. and she kept fighting the battle with me.

i washed my face with tears for continually 4 days, and after some time spent with many dear ones, i began thinking positive. i did my homework on researching scriptures to make things back on the right track. i struggle quite an amount because i am afraid of facing up to the consequences, but i deserve them. if these were to make me right, i’ll have to let it be.

i was then drown with a crazy load of work, i floated for the next 4 days.

i was so tied up, i forgot even my name.

Gabrielle, which is supposed to mean “God is my strength”. i forgot i chose this name because i wanted to be one who gives all my trust to the God that knows my inmost being.

let me name you a few things that made me feel like jumping out from the 14th floor of Berjaya Time Square.

  1. last minute subjects.
  2. miscommunication.
  3. poor reputation.
  4. almost everything went wrong.
  5. i was all in all shouted at, taken-for-granted, resentful, extremely exhausted, misunderstood, unhappy & emotional.here comes the worst of all…
  6. i almost died of an accident, and because i didn’t damage my car & myself, i have to swallow every fear & tears & shock & just finish my job.

i was riding back & forth from home to work, from work to home in the middle of the night. and when everybody’s rushing me, i felt irritated of the clogged up traffic, frustrated over the ringing tunes & least trusted by my “colleagues”. i was drenched in rain just to get things done, and all the traveling that i made actually dries me up.

the moment i crashed into the cement wall, everything went SLOW MOTION.

i remembered how my breaks lost control and just don’t respond to me, how i slipped on the highway through the journey, how close i was to the orangey red car on my front left, how did it managed to speed up & avoided me crashing into him, how i finally have control over my steering, but i wasn’t fast enough to turn my tires around… and how i’ve watched the cars from the back going passed mine. and i ended up crashing into the highway barrier.

let’s thank God the barrier is made out of cement, if it were to be those usual steel barriers, i would have flew & be thrown to the opposite side of the highway.

after the drama, i reversed my car & continue driving.

i told God i didn’t want to cry, i don’t give a damn about whatever emotions, i just wanna get Day 1 done & go home.

i told Sim & Seh Yen & David & Jun Meng i was so busy, i can’t spare any minute to make a quick phone call, what more crying.

and to the rest who concerned, the worst question to ask… “you met an accident?”

what a question to ask when a while ago you knew my car looks just fine, and the other moment you see it dented & the lights were crashed into pieces. when i listen to words like that, i knew none of you meant to discouraged me. but i was disappointed to a point, i can’t speak of any words.

only on the 3rd day, my dad discovered the dent. whenever i’m involved in an accident, he would always be the first one i’d go to. but not this time, because i am just that busy. and in fact, the main reason, was that i am tired of all his grumbles upon me & i am afraid of having him scolding me again & again.

all i need from my beloved father is support, nothing negative.

after going through many dramas in this 21-year-old life… i am tired of myself. i wanna give it up, i wanted to ditch responsibilities, i wanted to put myself first, i wanted to stop thinking positive, i wanted to stop putting up smiles, i wanted to see people that i shouldn’t see, i have thoughts that shouldn’t be conceived. and i can tell you, my thoughts & actions were the most foolish of my 21-year-old life.

leave me alone if you can’t be of help or of true love & concern, i can’t think straight; i don’t need extra kepohs, i might just blow.

i wanna stop these selfish words. i need a shoulder to cry on, and move on my life.

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Responses

  1. Belle,I was in tears when reading ur article.Sorry that I didn’t go through that with u as I always wish I could,I myself too as fragile as u =) Can we cry together? Can we pray together? Can we grumble together?

  2. I can’t give you a shoulder to cry on but I can some you some tissue paper la. But, what a minute, how much you need? If you need to dozen, can I replace it with toilet paper? Cheaper. Hehe.. :D

  3. sayang sayang…

  4. Can I join the crying club together?

  5. waahhhh waaa wahhh )’: …..
    eh!? Why am I crying alone… not everyone cry meh?

    But it’s ok… you can really smile now. Becuase you have already thrown all the rubbish and burdens out.

    and… welcome back. =)

  6. 芹菜的主人 » sorry my dear, to make you cry while reading. we will cry together next weekend, hope we can create the atmosphere yeah, coz my hardened heart is really difficult to be vulnerable. hehe…

    Steve » let’s be environmental friendly! present me a nice handkerchief as Christmas prezzie, won’t you?

    weird » thank you for your immediate SMS :) i replied as per what i replied.

    女朋友 » why, you are most welcomed!

    Blog Reader » don’t cry, sayang².
    after i have thrown all my rubbish, i can wipe your tears with much love & concern, just that you need to add-on a little imagination X’D

  7. Sorry dear..hmm..i should be there to accompany you.. sorry.. should be there when you need me! Pls accept my apologies..

    Sayang, sayang my girl.. XOXO

  8. dear it’s really okay :) however i was really grateful you weren’t in the car with me. cannot imagine what would have happened if you were in the passenger seat, i will very likely unable to protect you. now the car is fixed, and i’m the happy owner.


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