大家，我搬家咯～但毕竟这是我逗留多年的地盘，在搬离所有资料前，我时不时都会回来这里头逛逛。

新住址是 http://storybook.bygabrielle.net ，慧敏开始写故事了，要捧场噢！

—

dear all, i’ve shifted! the new address is http://storybook.bygabrielle.net , i’ve began writing new stories, stay tuned!

is my 4th year, God created me in such a way…

with a small frame yet a loud voice;
a cute face yet a stubborn personality;
young in age yet matured in thoughts;
petite in size yet big in heart.

T’is the way God raised me up; i could be your girl-next-door, a face whose easily forgotten.

Yet, in the midst of insecurity and ungratefulness,
God sees me like a precious piece of ruby,
He clothes me with strength and dignity,
instructs me to speak with wisdom,
heals my broken heart, saved my crushed spirit,
and finally He sealed me a promise
– His unconditional love for me never fails.

the way God sculpts, simply sophisticates me.

surprise :) it’s time for a new beginning. it’s time to tell new stories, turn a new leaf, and write new chapters. click HERE.

—

Proverbs 31:30
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

i stepped into 2009, loosing almost everything i wanted.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ship, _ _ _ _ _ _ ship, & _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ship.

i guess you filled in the blanks & understood i also lost my scholarship. reason being, the college closed down… and automatically, my 50% scholarship is terminated. so far, my life has been pretty dramatic, i wasn’t really surprised that this could actually happen.

however, it is still a difficult fact to be accepted. i couldn’t sleep well until today, and i have allowed the emotions to sink-in so i could cry & mourn a good deal of about 2 days. if you’d ask me now, i would have smiled & say i’ve surrendered to that; i just gotta open up for other opportunities, then let go & let God decide what’s best for me. but not many could have related to how disappointed & frustrated i was… looking at my miserable academics future.

let’s not be negative & look at the bright side…

i’ve come to my understanding that i’m only loosing things that i wanted. in fact, i could still survive without them. and it seriously proven, God only provides what He thinks i need best. now that i have lesser distractions, i can entirely focus into my personal relationship with Him!

now that my direction is not of my own plans, and it actually became short-sighted and grown blurry, it makes me ponder, “what’s next?”

“move along.”

and again, hello 2009 :’)

—

“love your neighbour as yourself.”
i love you for who you are, wasn’t because i have a heart bigger than yours, but simply because  i hope you’d do the same to me.

我总是活在自己虚构的世界里。

天空是晴朗的，世界是和平的，事情是美好的，人心是美丽的，慧敏是幸福的。

在这世界里头，我只回忆起幸福快乐的画面。

今早，我一再从色彩缤纷的世界里惊醒。原来，那空间是我虚构的。其实也不像网上虚拟小游戏般全属虚幻，因为这毕竟是真实的世界，有真实的时间、节奏、血、汗和泪。只是…我习惯了把人、事、物，都一一给美化。璀璨美丽到某种程度，足以让他人称羡。

我只能在远距离，欣赏和微笑。

—

成正比的，有时候…我也演绎着自己人生故事里的悲剧女主角。

这世界里头，我只剪辑令人心酸的画面。原来…不是我把事情忘了，只是我把不美好的、不如意的，都躲藏起来了。

俊明回来这一趟，每每见面都说我的生活好戏剧化。至今，我也觉得我是个写剧本的好手；至少，那是我的生命剧本。

—

现实世界中，讲钱伤感情，是再真实不过的道理。虽是金牛座的我却不迷信，也不会太执著于钱。这种可有可无的东西，只要努力，总挣得回来。可是一旦碰到对这话题敏感的人，我也得从梦中惊醒了。尤其，那是你最爱的人。

车子完全修好了。就之前让你们看见的图，连漆也都喷好了。可……我却连一丁点都不兴奋。修好的早晨至今，我都还没出门看看我的宝贝车子。反而，它成了我的负担。

家里是时候换煤气了，朝阳傻乎乎的，搞了个大乌龙…换错了煤气桶。

想说，这次摆乌龙弄错了就算了，下次谨慎些许，就行了。可没想到，这个小问题成了燃起爸爸坏脾气的导火线。是压力还是啥？因为个小问题，什么事情都可以被带下锅子炒个热。

渲泄脾气不是解决问题的办法。这么样地发泄，你快乐了吗？一气之下的行为，后果是多么地难堪…我的心是多么地痛，你了解吗？

梦想世界的父亲，是那个不辞劳苦、不计代价地爱着我的男人。

现实世界里的爸爸，是个有血有肉有感情的人。他，也是个会为了赚钱变得疲惫、斤斤计较、愤怒。忽然惊觉这些事情，让我顿时了然…活在自己的愿望里头，好累。

—

我们的爱 怎么才自然 每次沟通不来 就要离开

Christmas was spent in Genting Highland, thinking about daddy & Ginny who cannot turn up for the concert.

pardon my previous emotional blog post. here i give you an update of almost everything.

first of, i am encouraged. wait… maybe, beyond just feeling encouraged. in which… i do not know how to explain this sorta feeling, or use a better word to phrase my feelings.

i guess after ranting & throwing away the rubbishes that’s rooted in my heart, i am feeling much relieved. and that, i can finally have a good night sleep without being haunted by unbearable frames of reflections.

every time when i recall what have happened the past 2 weeks, it actually aches quite a lot.

i chose to talk things out. i tried to go positive. but it doesn’t change the fact that i am guilty of my foolishness & that i have to bear my consequences. i think… after all, i am just afraid of facing up to ’em. giving an account of my behaviors are equally scary & traumatic. i have no more confidence, but it’s just the right thing to do.

adding on with the car accident, it just drains me out.

just like what Dory said to Nemo, i guess i gotta keep swimming even if i’m going against the flow. i know i can’t swim, but i can keep movin’ on.

a few dear ones have listened to me & shoulders were generously offered. i am not fighting the battle on my own. it’s just to the end of the year, it isn’t to the end of my life. i could have ended the year badly, but it’s just a small chapter of my life.

thanks to those who have concerned… here’s a picture of my fixed car & thank you for helping me raise up smiles truly from my heart.

i’m excited of my new hair color :) it cheers me up.

and how did i fix my car in such a short period of time?

if you didn’t know… way before the concert, i actually offered to purchase a ticket just to encourage my dad. after working for many years, i have not really been giving gifts or housekeeping money to my family. neither did i fork out money to give my parents a treat over any occasions. so… i thought, for once, i should have given him a treat to Genting.

when we were discussing of the concert, we eventually discovered that the concert day is on Wednesday. and… Wednesday evening would usually be the busiest time of the week. i told him to take a half day off to attend the concert, because i really wish he could be there.

however, he couldn’t make it.

when the New York Harlem Singers were singing Unforgettable & continually with many other Broadway songs… it reminds me of my dad who stays back in KL. and how i really really really wish to bring him up to be with me for the concert.

it was exhausting, but the concert went on… AMAZING.

when i got home, and to my disbelief, daddy fixed the damage of my poor kancil.

i can imagine in the midst of his busyness, he took time off to send my car for repairing. when i am up in Genting enjoying the short getaway, he is giving his best to get my car fixed.

that is how much he have loved me.

this is how much God have loved me… to send these angels in my life, giving their best to lift me up from my devastated heart.

goodnight angels. goodnight my love.

i found an unpublished September article. it goes like this…

“a day with a crazy load of heart-attacks.

it’s either i was spacey, or the opposition were careless… accident comes one after another.

i almost got myself run over by a motorcycle. i was pretty sure i checked both sides when i attempt to cross the road. as i was crossing, i got distracted by some catchy t-shirt designs, hence i slow down my steps without noticing the fast approaching bike. the cyclist braked and scolded me at the top of his lungs. it was as though everybody on the street stared at our direction.

it is at such times, the manja-ness bursts out. i have to repeatly tell myself, “it’s okay, smile.”

as for now, i came back to my blog. i didn’t want to write, because i am tired  of constraining my words because i wanna “protect” my readers.

so for the period of time that i have gone Missing In Action, i was writing for myself to read. on my own, in my own space, i composed many rhythms of emotions & feelings which are lack of understanding, and i realized i am so used to throw them aside after doing the composition. i keep only the happy ones and swept all the rest to allow them cramp under my bed.

the unhappiness, i did not really resolve them. the only thing i did is… i tuck them aside, thinking… i’m doing just fine. just like my unpublished article, i always say to myself, “it’s okay, smile.”

i did that quite a lot the past week. and now i just can’t keep them to myself, i decide to let it out & let go of it. don’t mind my language, i am just throwing out the rubbish from my heart, so i could let go of whatever useless burdens. and i warn you, it’s gonna be selfish & it will cause hurt to those who unconditionally loves me.

i just need you to know, i am who i am.

i am fragile.

—

it was an eventful week for me.  no, i rephrase. it was a hell of a week for me.

it was like hell, because i went through torment by beginning the week with negative feelings like i have nothing more to loose. i lost my faith, i lost my promises, i lost even trusts on my beloved & myself.

and when it is revealed, i made Seh Yen cursed the devil.

the moment she said that, i looked at her can’t help but giggled, with mixtures of tears and snot. deep in my heart, i understood she’s serious. because her love for me is just that serious. and she kept fighting the battle with me.

i washed my face with tears for continually 4 days, and after some time spent with many dear ones, i began thinking positive. i did my homework on researching scriptures to make things back on the right track. i struggle quite an amount because i am afraid of facing up to the consequences, but i deserve them. if these were to make me right, i’ll have to let it be.

i was then drown with a crazy load of work, i floated for the next 4 days.

i was so tied up, i forgot even my name.

Gabrielle, which is supposed to mean “God is my strength”. i forgot i chose this name because i wanted to be one who gives all my trust to the God that knows my inmost being.

let me name you a few things that made me feel like jumping out from the 14th floor of Berjaya Time Square.

1. last minute subjects.
2. miscommunication.
3. poor reputation.
4. almost everything went wrong.
5. i was all in all shouted at, taken-for-granted, resentful, extremely exhausted, misunderstood, unhappy & emotional.here comes the worst of all…
6. i almost died of an accident, and because i didn’t damage my car & myself, i have to swallow every fear & tears & shock & just finish my job.

i was riding back & forth from home to work, from work to home in the middle of the night. and when everybody’s rushing me, i felt irritated of the clogged up traffic, frustrated over the ringing tunes & least trusted by my “colleagues”. i was drenched in rain just to get things done, and all the traveling that i made actually dries me up.

the moment i crashed into the cement wall, everything went SLOW MOTION.

i remembered how my breaks lost control and just don’t respond to me, how i slipped on the highway through the journey, how close i was to the orangey red car on my front left, how did it managed to speed up & avoided me crashing into him, how i finally have control over my steering, but i wasn’t fast enough to turn my tires around… and how i’ve watched the cars from the back going passed mine. and i ended up crashing into the highway barrier.

let’s thank God the barrier is made out of cement, if it were to be those usual steel barriers, i would have flew & be thrown to the opposite side of the highway.

after the drama, i reversed my car & continue driving.

i told God i didn’t want to cry, i don’t give a damn about whatever emotions, i just wanna get Day 1 done & go home.

i told Sim & Seh Yen & David & Jun Meng i was so busy, i can’t spare any minute to make a quick phone call, what more crying.

and to the rest who concerned, the worst question to ask… “you met an accident?”

what a question to ask when a while ago you knew my car looks just fine, and the other moment you see it dented & the lights were crashed into pieces. when i listen to words like that, i knew none of you meant to discouraged me. but i was disappointed to a point, i can’t speak of any words.

only on the 3rd day, my dad discovered the dent. whenever i’m involved in an accident, he would always be the first one i’d go to. but not this time, because i am just that busy. and in fact, the main reason, was that i am tired of all his grumbles upon me & i am afraid of having him scolding me again & again.

all i need from my beloved father is support, nothing negative.

—

after going through many dramas in this 21-year-old life… i am tired of myself. i wanna give it up, i wanted to ditch responsibilities, i wanted to put myself first, i wanted to stop thinking positive, i wanted to stop putting up smiles, i wanted to see people that i shouldn’t see, i have thoughts that shouldn’t be conceived. and i can tell you, my thoughts & actions were the most foolish of my 21-year-old life.

leave me alone if you can’t be of help or of true love & concern, i can’t think straight; i don’t need extra kepohs, i might just blow.

i wanna stop these selfish words. i need a shoulder to cry on, and move on my life.

amazing how a person is emotional (sometimes outburst, sometimes constipated) & stressed out, can think of a title for her blog.

it is coincidental that i snapped 7 photos, and they all respond to the dwarfs’ name so perfectly.

jun meng will be delighted to know his arm rest finally admits she’s as tall as a dwaft, or sometimes, being “lovingly” called a midget. *evil stare*

just to add some colours & emotions to my blog, so my dear readers would know i am alive X’D

hope i did cheer up your day like how the dwarfs always do to snow white.

comment! and tell me i’m cute.

很久一段时间没有这样了…凌晨1点钟回到家，啃着书时，睡着了。睡醒已9点了，灯，依然亮着；眼睛很痛。是什么时候开始，没人等门了？是什么时候开始，没人替我熄灯了？那，又是什么时候开始…我锁紧房门，隔着最亲爱的人们了？

印象深刻的梦，忘了是怎么开始…

也不知是病危，或是意外，慧敏的母亲快离开人世了。忘了怎么样的场景，得知她快死了，我没有哭。梦里，陆续有男朋友、好朋友、不熟悉的朋友、不认识的朋友…好似都担心着我。我不懂，一会儿哭，一会儿呆，一会儿噢k没事。那时感觉好差，那种若即若离的紧张，真讨人厌。

临死，母亲托 pui ching 传送 300 零吉给我。钱落在手中时，男朋友抱着我的头。那时我才晓得，原来我哭了；不自觉地哭了，哭得好可怜，我快失去妈妈了。

情绪挣扎好一段时间，我们好似等着死神职务，等它宣判母亲的死讯。梦里我没见到母亲，一次也没有。也不懂她是挣扎，或是已经死了。可是我知道，纵使她快离开了，痛苦着…煎熬当中，她想起的就是我。她脑海里浮现的，是她女儿的生活费。三百零吉，没多也没少，她没有忘了；她，实实在在地记着在心中。就好似，没把钱交托于我，她并不能走得安心自在。

失去的感觉很痛苦；不知什么时候开始，我话少了。

梦境是虚幻的，可是眼泪是真的；我累了。

重拾了一套旧漫画，记得有句话说着，“虽然你们都是同辈的，可是喜欢她，是会非常痛苦的。假如看到如此有才华的人，会感到自己的一无是处。这时你还能继续爱她吗？你有那么大的包容力吗？”

梦里的母亲，是深深爱着我的母亲。没有愧疚，没有遗憾，没有不安，没有阻碍。母亲不会因为我的才华，而与我保持距离；她不会因为我的成就，不能继续包容我、爱着我；她不会妒嫉，也不会觉得自己比不上我。

现实里的母亲，是深深爱着可欣、爱着朝阳，也爱着我的母亲。可她心里的愧疚和不安，阻碍着我们之间的联系。亲子关系原本就有专属的亲密，可是不管我怎么努力，我不能代替母亲，替她突破这障碍。

爱着我的友人，看着这章部落格的朋友，你们有如此的障碍吗？有因为眼看不见，手摸不着的原因，束缚着你给我的爱吗？你能接受、并且包容我吗？

眼看，我的确有着令人羡慕的种种才华。我相信 1% inspiration 99% perspiration。羡慕我人见人爱，你可曾了解那背后里，是注射了多少努力和关心换来的亲密吗？纵使与你、你、你的友谊，我经历多少突破，你可曾了解且珍惜吗？羡慕我的种种才华，你可曾看见我努力啃书、调查、练习、还有每每犯错的挫折感？那些纵使你认为已经非常了不起，可是其实是微不足道的本事，你知道我都挣扎成长吗？

你知道吗？你的羡慕，否认了我的努力，因为你默默地认为那是我以身俱来的能力。

我没有忘了你给我的支持，给我的友谊，给我的时间。这些我都非常珍惜着，在我不惜爱着你的同时间，我唯独祷告着我们的友谊间中，没有存在着隐形的不安成分。要面对这些，我累了，可是我没有停止追求。

面对着不成熟的自己，我有着莫名的挫折感。一度面临停滞的成长期，感觉好挣扎。我渐渐失去方向感了，不知道自己到底想要些啥。身负的期望好高，有点被压得喘不过气。知道不能停止、不能“休息”，因为别人需要我付出，我也需要这么样的锻炼。叛逆、拒绝成长、懒惰、逃避思考、呆滞，这些暂时性的欢乐并维持不了多久。

撒旦诱惑着我，祂说，“休息吧”，“放轻松一会儿没关系的”，“停止奔波了”，“别人拿你没办法的”…

可是圣经里诉说着，永恒的休息是在主里，在天堂里；活在这暂时性的世界里，我必须要劳作。

启示录 14章 12-13节

12 圣徒的忍耐就在此；他们是守神诫命和耶稣真道的。
13 我听见从天上有声音说：你要写下：从今以後，在主里面而死的人有福了！圣灵说：是的，他们息了自己的劳苦，作工的果效也随着他们。

yupp, i’m back.

running a new motherboard with my good o’ Pentium 4 processor, and also a DSL router that’s traded over 2 movie treats… let’s pray from now onwards, this PC sustains till the day i graduate & secure a job & perhaps find a husband.

except for not having sound projection for i-don’t-know-why, the computer is serving me good enough. i am always proud of my 7-year-old who’s able to multitask like no other. with the limits, it is incredible how i can run Photoshop & render video at the same time, also not forgetting… loop a few favourites of mine on Winamp & occasionally jump from tabs to tabs on my browser. oh, and chat messenger.

check what i’ve been missing out when i can’t go online at home…

1350 RSS entries to be crossed out, and 307 unread mails.

with the lack of security, i seriously, can hardly imagine myself working full time for a secured company, multimedia house or a production company. i would most probably marry right upon graduation and be a housewife. or… run my own home office X’D

but… put that aside, i was absent & have not been journal-ing for quite some time. be it on the internet, or on my paper journal, i have not been writing. not to say blog hopping to read & leave comments or whatnot, i don’t even have the grace of time & space for my own. sad.

now that i have internet access from home, i can freely, and without much discipline & self-control, write & read & comment & reply at anytime i want!

it’s coming near to the end of the year, then i will join the January college intake. and till then… i have 5 websites on hand. 3 work, 1 charity & 1 surprise. i have also secured a printing production job, which it will be pretty interesting and hopefully this time, i earn better.

before the year closes, i wish to travel to Singapore. for a short visiting trip to my relative’s place.
before the year closes, i wish to neatly prepare myself and my group of people to widely open our arms to welcome and embrace the new year.
before the year closes, i wish to revamp my house, my room & my home office.

there’s so many things to do… in which i seriously doubted that they will all happen before the year ends. be prayerful, i shall.

and, oh! welcome back :)

dearie all, sorry for not being available to respond to most of your online requests. be it emailing or chat or that you have been anticipating for my blog updates… i am not able to respond in these few days.

reason being, my personal computer is struck dead. it is receiving treatment in hospital right now, the main board & internet modem died after some recent thunder/lightning/emotional/supersticious/unknown strike.

it is much appreciated for you to pray for it’s speedy recovery, and i will be back in no time, thank you!

and oh, by the way… you are much loved.